They, whoever "they" might be, keep talking about the Baby Boomers as the sandwich generation, taking care of both kids and parents.
Well, I don't have kids, but I have a mom, all right. She's been in a skilled nursing facility, up in WA State, where my brother dumped her, for about 13 years (And may I just say, now THAT is what I called skilled -- keeping her alive all these years, when the average is 3 years in a facility.) Honestly, with the long list of things wrong with her, I don't know why she is still alive, but she is.
More or less.
It's not the life I would want to live, and in her more lucid moments, when I fly up into the Pacific Northwest, she expresses surprise at her whereabouts.
I wheeled her out in her chair yesterday, when the sun was out (oh joy), and she said, "Doesn't it EVER get warm here?" Yes, I replied, when it's summertime. "Well, WHEN is summer COMING, then!" she replied quite vociferously.
The social worker tells me Mom is in a state of advanced dementia, yet when Mom has her hearing aid in, and when she finally realizes that I am there, she becomes quite lucid and pretty chatty.
I have done what I usually do on these quick trips: clean out the old ratty clothes, replenish her wardrobe, spend short snatches of time with her -- she isn't awake for very long -- and then I head back to the hotel to rest up for the next foray into the life I sure don't want to live myself.
And while she hasn't quite yet got it that I was here today, she knew yesterday. But then she kinda blew that because she asked where her other daughter was. (She doesn't have one; she only has 3 sons. They all have children, or live too far away to visit, so of course they don't visit.)
God knows she could use another daughter, that's for sure, but there's just me.
Mom and I weren't that close when I was growing up, for a variety of reasons. We were shopping buddies, mostly, but she seems to have spent most of her quality time with my 3 younger brothers.
So now, when my time has expanded and I've had the chance to slow down, to look at birds and hills, and all that nature stuff, I have also had the time also to slow down and see my mom. She is no longer the mom I grew up with, but I have to say we have a better relationship now than we did back then.
She said to me the other day, "You're just a sweetheart," and I asked her, "Who am I?" because it was so unlike anything she'd ever said to me.
She said my name, so I knew she was talking to me.
Like I said, time has slowed way down, in a way, now that I'm 'retired,' or whatever, and I think this time with Mom is yet another gift, and I am grateful.
Wow! Your mother has lived in skilled nursing since she was 65!!!! That is my husband's age in four years.
ReplyDeleteHow old was her mother when she died?
Advanced dementia sounds more like advanced loneliness. I hope you can find something nearby so she can have some company.
Mom actually went into skilled nursing home care after a hospital stay in mid-1995; she never quite recovered from what put her in. It's a long, sad story, and certainly nothing to do with the way her own mother lived and died.
ReplyDeleteHer mom, my "Granny Baby," was 89, I think, when she died very gently and quietly in the parking lot outside her apartment building, in my young cousin's arms, on the way to the hospital.
My mom will probably outlive us all!
Thanks for reading and for the encouragement. I feel hopeful it will all work out this time.